1.Which of these are you most likely to use as a greeting?
"Hello, good to see you."
"It's me, dears!"
"Piss off."
"Bonjour, sweetie."

2.Which of the following is your favourite drink?
Anything more than 70% proof.
A nice cup of tea.
Bolly, darling.

3.Which is your favourite place out of the following?
Anywhere with a cabinet full of prescription medication, cigarettes and no natural light.
Somewhere you can fill in your 'Puzzler' magazine.
The Tate Modern - awe-inspiring and open to interpretation.
Anywhere on Bond Street - hell, you'd probably lick the pavements to be in with the crowd.

4.What are you most likely to be doing on a Saturday night?
Bed at 8pm, just after Coronation Street, dear.
Having a nice quiet evening in with some hot cocoa and Radio 4.
Having drinks with some fabulous people in a fabulous little place.
On your back.

5.What's your favourite food?
Whatever's in at the moment.
Food? I haven't eaten since 1973.
Something wholesome, healthy and truly scrummy.
Something that won't irritate your hiatus hernia.

6.What's your favourite fashion label?
Marks & Spencer, dear? Is that a fashion label?
My little baby; the Chanel jacket, babe.
Christian Lacroix of course, sweetie!
How ridiculous. Labels are everything wrong with the world.

7.What would your say your figure is like?
Tremendous. All of my drinking pays dividends.
Dumpy, with hairy feet.
Mr Gravity's not been very nice to you at all.
Oafish, but still fabulous because the labels cover it up, darling.

8.What do you do when stuck in a crisis?
Just keep drinking and take some meds.
A crisis dear? Is that what this is?
Cry for help and keep drinking.
Think everything through methodically. The best solution is usually the simplest.

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