I gave up dreaming about an hour ago. What is the use, I thought, I have been doing it for so long and nothing really has come out of it. I sit around daydreaming of all the things I want, or all the places I would rather be than here. Portland, Oregon. How did this happen to me? Raised in California, I became burnt out by all the plastic realities, maybe that is when I begun to daydream. I dreampt my way out of Southern California and let myself adrift all over the country before landing in Northern California. A good run there, but I kept dreaming. I have always wanted bigger and better things. For some reason, I feel like I deserve them. Not like I am better, I just have always dreamed big.
Here in Portland it rains. The rain comes down and it is cold. It makes rain come from my eyes. It makes rain come from my heart. I sit bored again, dreaming. I have a job, a boyfriend and a rental. My boyfriend makes me happy, though I believe that he does not truly understand me. My job is an unchallenging bore. My rental is cold and dark, just like the rest of the city. Sometimes I wonder why I am here, and I begin to dream again.
No one knows that all I do is dream. Or maybe they do. I dream that life will make me grand, but I already know I am grand. I dream life will help me make what I have better, but I already know what I have is enough. I am never content with what I have hence the dreams. As Americans, we always want more, and accordingly, I want more. So, I dream of more and try to resist.
But I have given dreaming up, or maybe dreaming has given up me. Either way our fantacy relationship is over. No more dreams of a home of my own. No more dreams of a place I can rest and no one will ever bother me. No more dreams of having a purpose in life. No more dreams of freedom and happiness. Our relationship is over. We are over taunting each other.
* This was written in the Winter of 2007.
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